


feeling lost in an ocean.

by softksjs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Maryse Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 06:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softksjs/pseuds/softksjs
Summary: The thought of love scares Maryse and so she wants to let it go.





	feeling lost in an ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't know about anything pre-accords so if this doesn't line up then welp *shrug emoji*

Maryse was in love with Lucian. There was no other word for it. No other label she could put on it. It was love—pure and simple. And she hated herself for it. Love was a luxury she could not afford. An emotion she had buried deep down that a small part of her hated Lucian for even bringing it out of her. Because love was not something she could express. She couldn’t kiss him on the cheek as a thank you gesture—a tight clasp of the hands did that well enough. She couldn’t hug him when a simple nod did the trick. 

 

Everyone would know and she was afraid she’d be banished—stripped of her runes. The mere thought of it sent a shiver down her back. 

 

Yet Lucian expressed love as if he wore his heart on his sleeve. His smile bright, showing love in every fiber of his skin. When he directed it to Jocelyn, Maryse felt her heart grow cold. Like a house without pillars. It was there, but did it beat? So she left before he could walk her home and when she got there, she directed her anger into training until her knuckles were raw and bloody.

 

She shouldn’t have been so surprised to find a note on her windowsill, but she was—if only a little. Lucian had wanted her to go to their secret place and even though she felt as if everything was breaking, she couldn’t resist. She went and sucked in a breath at the sight of him; the moon was full, sparkling on the lake.

 

She could only look at Lucian.

 

“You didn’t wait for me.”

 

She goes to stand beside him, looking at the water instead of his face. Their faces ripple side by side, so close, but so far apart. “No.”

 

Staring at the reflection, she can see him turn his face toward her. “ _ Why? _ ”

 

He sounds so broken that it’s enough for her to snap her head up, feeling pain shoot through her at the sight that awaited her. He looked lost—as empty as the night sky. She was a horrible person for doing this, but it was necessary. 

 

“You know why.” 

 

He purses his lips and now he’s the one looking at the water. “What do you want from me, Maryse?” He looks over at her, pleading, “What do you  _ want? _ ”

 

_ You.  _ He was all she had ever wanted—even as children. He had kissed her on the cheek once as they sat in a treetop, playing make believe in a treehouse her dad had built for her. It was a fantasy. She had been so naive. She could love him as a child, but she was nearly a woman now. These feelings were too much for her. She had to cut them out. “I don’t know.” 

 

“You’re lying to yourself.” He was angry, his voice hard. “But you can’t lie to me. Why won’t you just let yourself love me?” 

 

Her voice trembles, but she speaks anyway. “Because you distract me. When we’re in the classroom, I don’t hear a word. I see only you. It  _ terrifies  _ me, Lucian. These feelings I have. You want me to be honest? Fine.” She stares him in the eyes. “I’m in love with you. And I hate myself for it. Because if we were on a mission and you were hurt, I wouldn’t give a second thought to the rest of our team members. I’d risk their lives to save you. I’d risk the mission.”

 

Lucian chuckles ruefully. “The  _ mission. _ ” He steps closer to her until their lips are inches apart; Maryse can’t help that her breath hitches. “You’re a coward,” he hisses, “all of you are. The Clave. The Circle. Everyone! You stand there and hide behind your pathetic excuses of ‘the mission,’ but it’s a lie. You are all lying to ourselves.”

 

His jaw twitches. “The truth is, you’re all afraid to love. You’re afraid of your emotions. Because if you thought to love, maybe there wouldn’t be a mission at all. You’d have nothing to die for.”

 

“Lucian—”

 

“Run away with me.” He grabs her hands, his eyes pleading. “Forget the mission. Let yourself love, Maryse.”

 

“I  _ can’t. _ ” She lets her hands drop, ignoring the pain in her chest. “Emotions are—”

 

“Nothing but a distraction.” He finishes, shaking his head. “The Clave taught you well. And what? You’ll marry Robert? You don’t love him.”

 

She chews the inside of her cheek. “That’s the point.”

 

He flinches like he’s been slapped and it kills her inside. She wants so badly to reach out to him—to ease the pain she knows he must be feeling. It takes everything in her not to comfort him. 

 

“That’s it, then. You won’t change your mind.” It’s not a question, but a statement. He has always known her too well. He sighs in defeat then starts to walk away, stopping and turning his head slightly to look at her. “You’ll look back on this night in regret, you know. No matter what happens years from now, some small part of you will wish you had made a different choice.”

 

“Maybe.” Her voice is soft, laced with pain. “But it’s the choice I’m making now.” 

 

It’s only when he leaves that she lets herself cry, breaking down and kneeling in the soft grass. Even in his absence, he gave her emotions she wished she could bury. Even in his absence, she still loved him. 


End file.
